Gaining and Losing

Yes. It has been a long time since I have written a new post. I can find all kinds of excuses for not writing. I have been busy. I haven't had anything new to write. My mind has been on other things. I could make a case for the validity of each of those excuses. The truth, however, is that none of these excuses are the real reason I have for not writing.

The reason I have not written is because I lost my focus and began to gain weight again. Now I have not gained a lot, but the number of pounds I have gained is not the critical issue. The fact that instead of me being in control of the food I eat, I have begun to allow my compulsion to overeat reign once again.

As my weight has gained, I have begun to lose. I have lost a stable blood sugar. Yep, I can feel it. It was about 10:00 this morning and I could feel my blood sugar begin to drop. My hands got shaky. I had a hard time concentrating on my tasks at hand. Fortunately I was able to get something to eat before the symptoms of low blood sugar got too bad. The point - - I do not have problems with fluctuations in my blood sugar when I am eating correctly!

I have traded the good feelings about myself when I am in control of food, for feelings of guilt and self condemnation when food is in control of me.

I have lost the fun of going to my closet and asking myself, "What fits now?" Instead, I am wearing the same old things. Not fun.

I have lost the thrill of writing about losing another pound and sharing with you the thrill of a new victory when I overcame temptation to overeat one more time.

I totally hate writing these things to you. However, I know that being willing to admit a problem, is the first step towards solving it. I also know that I am probably not alone is this dilemma. Perhaps my struggles here, my ups and downs, my defeats and victories will in some way be a source of strength and inspiration to some of you who might be reading this blog.

The one thing I am not going to do, my friends, is 'throw in the towel' and give up. Because giving up is true defeat and the loss of hope for one day being a healthy weight. Oh, no. Instead of quitting, I am going to keep working and fighting. . . and writing.

In my next post, I am going to explore some of the reasons that may have contributed to my loss of focus.