There's No Way I Can Actually Be Hungry!

Determining when I'm actually hungry is a challenge for me.  There are times when I have this desire to eat and I know that I can't actually be hungry because its only been a couple of hours since I last had a meal.  Sometimes I think my blood sugar may be falling, but when I test it, the result is in normal ranges.  Sometimes I know that I want to eat because I am anxious about something, and on and on. In none of these examples am I actually hungry.  Therefore in none of those examples should I be eating anything, otherwise I'll just be 'feeding' bad habits.

During the last six weeks, we have had a family wedding, and several family gatherings. There have been stressful moments and well as delightful ones. So far, I have continued to 'practice' at every meal. At my son's wedding, I allowed myself a some cake and a couple, no, a few Brazilian candies. But at no time have I had the desire to just eat and eat.

My 'want to's' are gradually changing.  I don't have the desire to eat a big hamburger or steak.  However, I am eating whatever I want for the most part.  Right now my goal is to control how much I am eating, not necessarily what I am eating.  If I want cheese on my sandwich, I'll eat cheese on my sandwich.  If I want bacon and eggs for breakfast, that's what I'll fix.  Soon I'll begin working on lower fat options, but not now.

My plan is working and so I'm going to keep workin' it.

Delay, not Deprived

It has been about six weeks since my Middle of the Night Epiphany. Since that time I have 'practiced' the skill of stopping my meal immediately when I begin to feel full every time I eat.  I have also not allowed myself to just nibble between meals, when I am not hungry. Instead I eat fruit or nuts if I really need something for a snack. As a result I have lost almost 13 pounds and am enjoying being able to wear clothes that were too snug.

There are moments every day when I have to say to myself, "NO!", as I reach for another bite of something at the end of a meal or between meals.  Long held habits are hard to break.

Often at the end of a meal, I will look st my plate and think, "But the food that's still here is yummy, and I don't want to stop!" Yea. Hard.

I was sharing with a friend about how I am changing my way of eating, and she asked me if I ever feel deprived when I don't get to eat all that I want.  Well, my answer to that has to be yes, but I don't let it bother me.  Sometimes I can put my leftover yummy food back and eat it later.

If my husband and I go out to eat, I may order a full meal and eat only a fourth of it.  I'll carry the rest home and get at least two more meals from it.  In that way I don't feel deprived, because I know that I'll be able to eat the food eventually.

As I mentioned in my previous post, every meal is an opportunity for me to practice the skill of being able to sense when I have had enough to eat, and then being able to stop eating immediately.  I am calling it 'practice' because I have been up and down the scales enough to know that ever having my over eating issues conquered is just a delusion. It will not happen. The moments when I have begun to think that I will never be bothered by weight issues again are the moments when I've lost the battle, and the war continues. 

Therefore, I will always practice.  For the rest of my life, I will practice.  Yes, this is mental gymnastics, but I believe that is what it will take for me to attain once again, and more importantly, to maintain a healthy weight.

This all occurred during in the middle of the night about six weeks ago.  In the next post I will share how things have been going for me since then. 

There is Hope in Paractice.

Is it possible for someone who does not have natural artistic talent to become a painter of landscapes and still life compositions? Is it possible for someone with no natural athletic ability to learn to play tennis? Is it possible for someone who has no natural musical ability to learn to play a musical instrument? My answer to that is yes, yes, and yes.  Will these non naturally talented people be great artists, athletes, or musicians? Probably not, but I believe that with enough practice almost anyone can learn almost any skill at least to a competent level, and perhaps a proficient level.  The key here is 'enough practice', which requires dedication, consistency, desire, and work ethic.

So what does all that mean for me and all my other not naturally slender friends out there in blog land? My middle of the night musings led me to this conclusion: That the skill that naturally slender people naturally have is a skill that I can learn! With enough practice, I will eventually be able know when I am full. I will be able to tell myself when to stop eating, and then I will be able to do it!  What a concept! Here's the challenge: with enough practice.  It will require dedication, consistency, desire, and yes, work ethic.

So here's my new way of looking at my eating challenges:  Every time I sit down to a meal, I have the opportunity to practice the skill that I have been missing all my life, which is the ability to stop eating when I am full.  Practice. Practice. Practice.  Three times a day.  In between meals, I have the opportunity to practice wise snacking, not grazing.

Yes, this gave me hope and optimism for my future health.  More in the next post.  

More Middle of the Night Realizations

As I mentioned in my previous post, I am not one of those people.  Meaning, I am not naturally slender, because I do not have the natural, innate skill of knowing when I am full and need to stop eating.

Also, my middle of the night thought processing lead me to the next point: it doesn't matter what diet I am on, what I eat or don't eat.  I can eat salads and super healthy, nutritious food. I can follow the Mediterranean Diet plan, or Weight Watchers, or any other diet that can be named, and it won't matter.  Nope. It won't matter.  If I can't control the amount of food I eat on a long term basis, then whatever control a diet may give me is eventually lost, because I will just keep on eating.  Even good, healthy, nutritious  food must have a limit.  This realization actually shocked me.  But I recognized it as truth, because it is the reason that every diet I have ever been on, every attempt I have made to lose weight has been eventually followed by a weight gain that equals or exceeds any loss I may have had.

Is it any wonder that we, the not naturally slender people, get discouraged and give up? Have we been missing the most important ‘ingredient’ in our ‘dieting recipes’? I don’t know, but I do think that without this particular skill, my chance/our chances of maintaining a healthy long term weight are minuscule.

These were negative, pessimistic thoughts. My next post contains my optimistic, hopeful conclusion.

People Who Are Naturally Slender, and Then There's Me.

In my previous post I shared an event from about 8 years ago, the meaning of which has finally begun to influence the way I approach this incredibly difficult issue of gaining weight, losing weight, and maintaining a healthy weight.

In the middle of the night the event I described in my last post came to my mind. I hadn't thought of it in years.  I began to ask myself, "Who can do that?!? Who can say, 'I'm full.', and then just stop eating?!?"  Suddenly I realized the answer, "People who are naturally slender! People who do not have weight issues! That's who."

I realized that 'naturally slender' people have a 'natural', innate skill. They do it without even thinking. They don't have to debate with themselves, or anyone else for that matter, about when to stop eating.  They just know when they are full and they stop! It's just that simple.

I further realized that those of us who have weight issues do not naturally have the above mentioned skill. You know. The skill of knowing when we're full and stopping eating right away.  Yea. That one. We don't have it.

I don't know why.  Those are thoughts for another post.

Yes, there are other reasons why naturally slender people are naturally slender.  Heredity and metabolism have a part to play in their ability to maintain a healthy weight.  Again, those are thoughts for another post.

Ok. Back to the middle of the night.  I will personalize this now.  I don't have it.  I don't naturally have the skill of knowing when I'm full and then stopping eating immediately.  It's not innate with me. Most of the time I don't stop eating until my previously food laden plate is empty.

To be continued.

My Middle of the Night 'Epiphany'

Sometimes it takes years. Years for the true significance of an event to be realized. Yes, I finally understood the truth, the meaning of an event that happened to me about 8 years ago.

The event:  It was a regular school day. Lunchtime for teachers is a hurried moment. We get on the average about 20 minutes to eat on a good day, when you don't have to wait to use the microwave or the restroom.  I was sitting at a table with a group of other teachers, sharing a quiet, but quick moment to chat and eat.  Eating at our table was a teacher who was new to our school, and it was our first time to eat together.  She had a wonderful lunch which contained a small sandwich, chips, and fruit, raspberries, grapes, etc.  We talked and ate, enjoying out time, when she did something I had never seen before.  This teacher suddenly said, "I'm full." She took not one more bite. Instead she put away her food, and continued to visit with us until time to leave.

Outwardly, I was still smiling, visiting, and eating. Inwardly, I was shocked.  Just image. She had wonderful food.  How could she just stop eating and put it away?!? I understood what she did and why she did it, but I could not understand HOW she did it.  Stop eating just because you are full.  What a concept!

In the next post I'll discuss what this event finally came to mean in my life.

Why Don't I Just Delete this Blog?!?

Well, I have thought about it. Deleting this blog. I'm still struggling with my weight. The further I get from controlling my weight, the further away I get from this blog.  Why? I guess because I don't want to spread my weakness for food across the globe for everyone to read.  I'm sure I am the only one with this issue. Right? Or is it issues? The issue of controlling my desire to eat, and the issue of shame, wanting to keep it to myself. To make it my own private struggle.  These are thoughts for future posts, so I will just save them for now.

I'm posting again because I have new things to share and because I believe in new beginnings. I believe that God is gracious and forgiving. He allows new beginnings, second chances, third chances, and so on and on. Therefore, I will give myself grace and forgiveness. I will allow myself a new beginning, a second chance, and a third chance, and so on and on.

In the middle of the night about six weeks ago, my new beginning began. In my next post I will share the story of my new beginning.